Below are the 16 most recent journal entries recorded in smele_mele's LiveJournal:

Thursday, February 2nd, 2006
5:41 pm	reducing myself to infantile level So I recently received some advice telling me that for this month I should just try see the world from a childlike perspective a bit and, not let complex 'adult' issues weigh me down. I suppose for some people it's easy to let go like that. It's never been for me. But, I get better and more habituated to it all the time, and I'm sure as hell going to attempt it this month. I've been drrrrowwwing in 'man sadness' for the past like two weeks. It sounds like a sexist thing to say, but I just don't know how to react when guys close to me are sad or emotionally depressed. I mean girls are pretty easy to comfort there, at least for me (being female and all). You just hug them and tell them that you love them and that they're a wonderful person and give them all sorts of loving attention etc. Basically you just mother them and it works. Guys however, whoooooole different story. They don't want to be mothered because they don't want to feel weak or helpless. Therefore, I would assume that they'd much rather just be left alone when they're feeling immutably down, you know, so they can figure things out and feel good about having pulled themselves up independently. I have been wobbling between the ignoring technique and the (slightly more detached than the mother) stable feminine figure. I have no idea what's working and what's not, or even if it's possible to in any way help someone in such a lost, sad state. Like I said, it's hard for me to let go, but what else can I do?? I have no idea what's best, and I get the impression that anything I've attempted thus far has just throwing more coals in the fire. Guess it's just time to play dumb; I'll admit I've been licked. I've got nothing left to do but just put my trust in natural forces to sort this out. I can't help him. Current Mood: okay Current Music: It's Never Too Late - Spearhead (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, January 6th, 2006
1:29 am	Joy! (in a sing-song voice) Back in Toulouse! I love my life! I love beer! Current Mood: rejuvenated (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, December 31st, 2005
3:16 am	God damn! God damn! The truth is so fucking hard to tell sometimes. But oh man, wheewww, what a load off. New chapter for Mele Current Mood: relieved (Comment on this)
Thursday, December 29th, 2005
12:31 pm	30 days hath September, April, June , November and January dammit!!!!! Snowed in. Being snowed in really sucks. On one hand, at least when you're snowed in you have the snow...there are more boring things in life. But after like 3 days of staying in with the family, I NEEEEEED TO GET OUTT!!! I've been trying not to pay attention to the date, but today I noticed that it's the 29th, and what's worse, that there are 31 days in January. That means that it will be 2 more days before anything exciting happens, and 3 more days until I go back to Toulouse. I MISS TOULOUSE SO MUCH!! I may not be entirely homesick for California, but I sure as hell am homesick for Toulouse. Trying to accept the conflicting notions that the universe is both cruel and all knowing. It is so miserably frustrating to be separated from someone you love one fork in the road after another. Why is it possible for two people's hearts to run parallel but not their lives??? I keep telling myself that I'm strong enough to get through this the upstanding way, but other times I get another sweeping perspective about how impossibly hard it is to keep two pulsing souls apart, and I feel overwhelmed. I feel myself just at the brink of insanity, and then somehow I maintain that we've been forked apart for a reason, and no I don't know what that reason is. Sighhh, the universe is unfolding as it should. Current Mood: frustrated (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 25th, 2005
1:00 pm	Confession Confession, feeling a little angsty. I miss my parents, and I miss Nate and Christmas just isn't the same when you're 6,000 miles away. Current Mood: Angsty (Comment on this)
Saturday, December 24th, 2005
3:10 pm	You know you're in France when: You open your fammily's fridge to find a carrot, a box of 6 different kinds of cheese and an entire shelf of yogurt. (Comment on this)
2:41 pm	Normandie Eva visited me for 4 days in Toulouse and we had a blast together. It was so good to see her! Then I spent two days in Paris with Samantha and Steven. Sam and I went to Notre Dame (for my 3rd time) and it's still just as gorgeous. I went out to dinner with Christine and her mother overlooking the Seine and then saw the Eiffel Tower all lit up. It was sooo beautiful! That city is just as beautiful in the winter if not more than in the summer. Sam, Steven and I stayed up super late talking about different decades and how past decades become trendy. We decided that the period of time between you and your parent's generation is always sort of mysterious and consequently people get curious and start studying it and making movies about it; it becomes the "trendy" decade. Just look at "Grease" and "Austin Powers." Funny how there's about a twenty year gap between the decade and the recap of the decade. We also talked a lot about war, and the difference between Europe and the US in regards to it. Also, how the United States are crumbling and how we're in our "hubris" stage...but that's far far too depressing to get into. Now I'm in Normandie with Veronique and her parents for Christmas. It's good to be in the country again. Paris is a place to visit but I loath and despise it after about 3 days, 5 days MAXIMUM. I'm going to read read read and write write write. I miss my mom a bit, and I'm really starting to miss Nate again, but I wouldn't say that I'm quite homesick. I mean, what home?? How can you be sick for something you don't really have? Well, I've never really been the homesick type anyway, but I do feel the Christmas longing to be with those you love business. Current Mood: calm (Comment on this)
Thursday, December 15th, 2005
10:33 am	Heh heh, my my My my, I'm sure anyone who tried to read that last one gave up after about 5 lines and wondered what the hell I was talking about. I don't think Danielle was alone there. Woooooohh! Welcome to Mele's mind!! So I turned in my 10 page French research dossier yesterday, and it was so nice! I've actually been accomplishing a few things academically recently, which is refreshing! Here's another "you know you're in France when:" Men in Native American costumes are playing Abba on wooden flutes. It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas here! Been literally freezing for over a week, with no let-up. It's exciting and it might snow. It's going to be even colder in Paris and Normandie, and can't even imagine how New Years will be in London. Can anyone say padded bra???? Current Mood: amused Current Music: Bjork, coming from Sadie's dirty computer (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 11th, 2005
10:25 pm	what good are plans? I'm confused...what's the use of plans again? They seem harmless, but then if they don't work out, it can be disappointing so why make them?? On the other hand, when they work out, it can be ever so rewarding, thus meriting them. Lost again. There's really no way to know how often a plan actually works either so, you can't even weigh the pros and cons. I guess it's just a risk, the same way anything in life is. Wonderful stuff comes from risks, like happiness, and love and trust. And!! (ha! ha! I'm getting somewhere!!) they don't always work out, and actually in my experience, they often don't work out, which is what makes it a risk. Sooooo.. shit...so we've established that plans are risks in that they aren't sure to succeed and because they can often bring about much reward. But! plans can also bring about worse things if you stick to them unconditionally. Sticking to them can bring about the opposite effect than desired. Does it still fall under a risk then? Can risks bring about the opposite effect than desired? I suppose so. Like when I was with Dima and just I just kept giving and giving, even though I was scared to keep giving because it hurt when he didn't reciprocate. I kept putting myself on the line because I thought it's what was best. However, hah hah! it had the opposite effect. Therefore, plans are still like risks! So there are risk takers and non risk takers, and there are planners and non planners. So, (yes!yes!!) I think the key is that if you're going to be a planner, you must accept that making a plan is a risk, and you cannot be sure at all whether it will follow through the way you hoped. I think in the future that if I treat plans in my head the same way I treat risks, that I won't fall as hard when things don't work out the way I thought. Ha! I feel much better now. Current Mood: content Current Music: Lauren Hill - Zion (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 7th, 2005
11:30 am	You know you're in France when I love this, my friend Angela keeps "you know you're in France when..." lists and they're hilarious, so I'm posting them: 1) You know you're in France when, you hear heels clicking behind you and you turn around to find that it's a man. 2) You know you're in France when, you see men running, biking, and driving buses in suits. 3) You know you're in France when you have your first bible study in a bar. 4) You know you're in France when you go to a club in long johns. 5) You know you're in France when you jay walk in front of a cop and he steps aside to let you pass. Today I had my contemporary art class. I left the class feeling inadequately profound. Why can't I come up with complex artistic notions, like photographing nude people covered with hot oil and feathers? Jeez, what's wrong with me? I've officially decided I don't enjoy doing art for anyone but myself and people who already love me. Feeling a little unsatisfied with my language level lately. I suppose that's a good sign though. I've probably just reached a new level, you know, another phase where the more you learn, the more you realize you don't know anything. Still never been more satisfied my gastronomic state. The food is so awesomely tasty and of such good quality here. Interesting fact: for plastic bag, they say "sac en plastique" in Paris, and "pochette" in the south of France. Same goes for chocolate pastry: it's a " "pain au chocolat" in Paris and "chocolatine" in the south. "Chocolatine" is cuter though. (oh no, this is turning into my own manifestation of the norcal socal war). We are creatures of habit I suppose. Current Mood: full Current Music: the sound of Danielle typing next to me (Comment on this)
Monday, May 24th, 2004
12:51 am	La la lal lalalalallalalalallallalal!!!! I have been staring at my computer screen for 7 hours!!! I sat and typed, my feet sweating against the sewing machine case under my desk, one knee balancing my 2 inch reader and the other scrunched closer to my rib cage than I would have liked, while clenching a highlighter between my bicuspids and trying to ignore both the pulsing spasm in my back that my round carebear pillow just can't ameliorate and the monotonous humming of the ugly brown fridge behind me that doesn't quite drown-out Sting, coming from the general direction of my roommate's ibook. The entire time I had to resist the temptation to slather aloe all over my face and arms, or lean just 6 inches to the right and play with my hair in the mini-mirror.....I was that deprived of stimulus. Why must I have been haunted by the Centrum label that patronized me with, "Did you take your vitamin today?" Well, ya know, I can't remember or not...and it's killing me. I think my nerves are shot, and I feel like smashing the hell out of my printer, like they do in Office Space, and I'm starting to feel a bit like a hampster...although I'd much rather be surrounded by sawdust than this hovel of books, zerox copies and dry cleaning. Someone please stop me before I grow whiskers and start shoving stuff in my cheeks... I think I need a change (Comment on this)
Sunday, April 18th, 2004
2:59 am	Gin and Tonics Have had just a tad bit too much to drink..haven't been as such for a while. I went home last weekend and had a wonderful, relaxing time. My cat did something curious, but not unusual though. He brought, yet another dead mouse carcus to the doorstep agan. Sadly, this reminds me of several of my guys'behavior. Am I supposed to be proud of your performance cat? Great catch, I suppose, but now there's a bloody mouse carcus on my porch, and to tell you the truth, I don't really give a rat's ass. Current Mood: amused Current Music: Radio Head Punch Drunk Love Theme (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 6th, 2004
12:06 am	Gilato I am not doing what I ought to be doing Can only imagine It's a night of solitude Crushed faith sealed with dreams and dreams I choose loyalty to fill this gaping abyss of the present I attach myself Myself With my lashes pressed tight against my cheeks Waves of thought drift toward someone beyond or within me I cannot tell which I light the pilot once more Vulnerable again Overcome, sadly and wonderfully To be overcome I choose to be overcome Rather than tensed with the dismissal of my ever-warming thoughts Anxious, my head floating toward the ceiling I etch images of an ice cream rendez-vous Warm,creased smiles Genuine Waiting to be exchanged Current Mood: calm Current Music: Cool Blue Reason-Cake (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 1st, 2004
11:50 pm	A woman moment... I sat through Moulin Rouge for about the third time in my life today, in my French visual culture course. Today was different though, because I had a bit of a woman moment and actually saw some complexity in Nicole Kidman's part. Women are often accused of being control freaks..you see this everywhere. I think by nature we don't enjoy losing control of our lives...and I'd venture to say most people in general don't enjoy it. This whole seductress thing..I think I finally figured it out...because I could never relate to it before. Male sexuality is pretty dominating, and it's pretty overwhelming when girls are young unaware of their own sexuality. After being burned by the sexual expectations enough times, you'd think women would build up some sort of defense. But it's more subtle than I thought. The role of the nympho allows a woman to take total control of her sexual interactions, something which she probably felt helpless against in the past. It's like the whole anorexia thing, and wanting to feel in control of some part of your life. In terms of sex, what better way to gain control than to ditch the back seat and take the wheel. Current Mood: awake Current Music: Something in the Air-Thunderclap Newman (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 31st, 2004
1:10 am	Some felt pens smell like vinegar?? I started off my day watching slides of Paris...its monuments, the various clothing styles since the 1780s and maps of the city as it has grown. I miss Paris. But, this morning,I felt like a bitch. My professor has an outrageous vocabulary; really it's very impressive. However, she ruins it by saying "sort of" about every 5 words. In my sleepy stupor, I actually counted how often she used it, and then found her average rate of usage! What is wrong with me?! It actually spoiled the lecture for me....and then it started bugging me the way she'd chatter on and on about her Parisian experiences and knowledge of the culture, while butchering beautiful names with her limp lips and sharp tongue. Suddenly, I swore her words were actually cutting the air, splicing it and disrupting the happy molecules that were still easing their way out of sleep with the rest of us. I left the lecture feeling like a horrible, stuck-up college student. Maybe next time I won't eat so many muffins before class, or perhaps coffee is in order? I think you know it's time to go to bed when you find your chin on your knee; somehow, it doesn't seem like a position I would find anyone in under normal circumstances. You become even more sure that it's bedtime when you start closely examining the minuscule follicles of hair on your knee. I'm wondering where that strange,sour smell in the room is coming from. Is it my knee? No, that's not very likely. I considered my feet, but I'm sure they're producing the other, more familiar smell in the air. Finally, I discover the smell is coming from my hands. There are pen marks all over them from making my hot fish sitter's thank you card. What a strange, bitter smell. Sometimes felt pens smell like vinegar. Current Mood: pensive Current Music: Azure Ray- my sleepy mix (Comment on this)
Monday, March 29th, 2004
1:35 am	writing in spurts I got home from Montana last night, and I was sad. I miss my brother all the time, but for a shining 7 days I didn't have to. I'm starting to realize that I seek out male figures that remind me of my brother in other areas of my life...is that a bad thing? I had such a wonderful time, not that it was terribly eventful, but full of laughs, really good, dark beer and reminiscing. I did learn to country western dance at the ski patrol's Dirtbagball...oh man, what times! My brother wore a mauvy pink dress with his hiking boots and a baseball cap (FRIGHTENING)...and then there was me, who wore blue rain boots with neon ski socks and my brother's comic strip apron as a mini skirt. I don't think I ate any greens the entire time I was in Montana, and I wonder how it is that they're all alive. As for me, I swear I can see a double chin forming from all that ski resort food. Of course, after having about 4 days of slushy, spring skiing, it dumped snow the last night I was there....oh well, at least I got to see some snowflakes in my hair before I left. I cried my way through the baggage check, for the second time in that airport. I missed my brother the moment he left the building. Maybe someday we'll live closer to one another. I had attitude about coming back to school; I didn't want my Montana adventure to end. This morning, however, I awoke to birds chirping, beautiful Japanese Maple blossoms and the sun shining unobtrusively into my room, and I couldn't help but smile at my foolish attempt to preserve my melancholic state. There is so much to love about life. To mark the end of my dream break and the beginning of a sunny quarter, I finally bought myself a boogy board. There is life beyond Montana, even if it is the last best place. My hot fish sitter dropped my fish, Hotcha, off today and gave me two muscular hugs. The day just kept getting better, to my surprise. I even managed to have a full conversation with my somewhat odd ex-boyfriend Dmitry, free from awkward twitching and senseless joking. I love it when you finally get there! Tomorrow I start class off with beginning sailing at noon and then modern dance at 3:30...how Santa Cruz could it get? Of course, then I do have a ridiculously full schedule Tuesday and Thursdays, but at least I can ease my way into academic normalcy. Miss you all, and hope you had splendid breaks! Current Mood: content Current Music: the hum of my new refrigerator full of guava juice (3 Comments |Comment on this)